Survived A Kitten Attack
While in college, I lived in a house that I rented (with a few other
roommates). This house was next to a vacant lot. Well, the lot was vacant
of a house, though it was home to a stray cat.
I knew the (human) neighbor prior to moving in, and on Sundays we would
grill out behind his house on his large stone/brick grill. One particular
Sunday we were visited by a momma cat and a few feral kittens. These
adorable baby animals were very shy, and would run if you stood up. But
hunger quickly overcame shyness, and they would eat any scraps you threw
Over the next few Sundays a cautious trust was established between the
cats and us. One little black kitten in particular was hardly shy at
all. This one black kitten caught my eye, and I made up my mind to “rescue” it.
A week or two later, I have the day off work, and I’m hanging out
at my house in my pajama pants and a t-shirt. I had a busy day planned
of playing video games and grilling meat. I step out on my front porch
and fire up my grill. Before I’m done cooking, my little visitors
show up for a free meal. Only this time the mother is nowhere to be seen.
Now is my chance.
I place a “bread crumb” trail of cat treats from the stairs
to up the porch to where I’m standing.
Leading the way is the little black kitten. Ninja fast I grab my new
And then it happens…
My last lucid thought was that my cat, Retzen, was about to have a new
playmate. That thought quickly changed.
The moment I touched this kitten (read: demon), it screams with a bloodlust
howl never heard before by human ears. This howl empowers/buffs the kittens
surrounding me and instantly they fluff up super saiyan style to twice
Then they attack.
This is no kung-fu movie; they do not wait and attack me one at a time.
They are as relentless as (fluffy) zombies, and never give me a moments
One minute I’m grilling chicken. The next I have a severely lacerated
forearm from a screaming kitten who has now morphed into a (still screaming)
misengineered blender with the blades on the outside. Not only that… I’m
being climbed, cut, clawed, pounced, ripped, bitten, scraped, scratched,
mangled and eviscerated by a half dozen of its siblings.
Here I am, a full grown male in his 20’s and I’m being felled
by mere claw and fur weighing half a pound each. So I go on the defensive.
I tuck in the tiny, black, demon kitten with my right hand, so he can’t
get away. With my left hand free, I start swatting away the other kittens
attacking/climbing/besieging my legs.
Had I planned this ahead of time, I would have worn some sort of armor.
Alas, this day my only armor is a thin pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt.
Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would have this much trouble
from a kitten.
Struggling for freedom, my captured kitten lands his killing blow. Tucked
like a football, and drenched in my own blood, he wiggles free enough
to bite what would normally be a pair of jeans. Oddly enough, this was
the kitten’s lucky day. Rather than biting my leg, he grabs hold
of my manhood through my pajama pants.
I now know this cat is pure, unadulterated evil.
It is now my turn to let out a howl of my own as I pull off the kitten
still dangling by its teeth from my lower extremity. Once free of the
circumcising beast, I chase the kittens off my porch, and run inside
to tend my wounds.
The kittens were never seen again…
(Side note: How fast can you google what to do on the off chance a feral
kitten teeth-pierces your Glans while currently bleeding from both of
your forearms and hands?)
(tldr: I went to grab a kitten. It bit my dick.)