The Outdoor Cat Con

By Mark Kinsler
Lancaster Eagle Gazette

"The cuisine out there is no better than it is in here," announced Natalie to the delegation of our inside cats gathered at the kitchen door. As usual they did not believe her, knowing full well that she'd just fed the outside cats -- all eight of them, plus probably a possum -- a can of discount cat food in addition to their regular cat-feeder cat food.

"It's cold out there, and they need the extra calories," she said to me.

But I wonder about this because although they might have parasites and outside-cat diseases, they look like extraordinarily well-fed felines. A few months ago Natalie was fretting that they were pregnant, and at the onset of winter, too: How could the kittens survive? But there have been no kittens, especially not from the males, and so the only conclusion is that they are, well, rotund.

Natalie's warm Italian heart makes her feed everyone, and so our band of furry brigands have learned to recognize the sound of the kitchen door, tumbling over each other to reach whatever my kind, short spouse has provided that night. Chuck, two houses away, has similar instincts, and he was telling us about a group of cats that he feeds, cats that live under his garage. The descriptions matched perfectly, and we don't know how many other locations this bunch is running their floating con game.

Our five inside cats, prisoners all, retain a strong sense of entitlement. They too are starting to put on weight, and when I recently suggested their ration of extra treats be modified, I met with resistance from the cats and the wife.

"They'll drive us nuts," she protested.

I replied that history has shown appeasement to be a disastrous diplomatic strategy. Besides which, they're already driving us nuts.

The outside cats love Natalie, although the relationship is complicated. Mother Cat, a lovely calico, tries to keep her grown children strictly away from all people, and when Natalie offered to scratch the head of Her Highness the other day, my beloved received a growl and a swat from a mittened paw in return. But the two male gold-and-whites will roll around at her feet, making the trip from garage to house along our narrow concrete path an obstacle course of affection.

Then there are the two black-and-white kittens born in late summer.

Natalie longs for them, but they are obedient to their mother's wishes and scramble away on their short legs whenever a human approaches.

We don't know what will happen in the cat war. We likely will begin a program of trapping and neutering this spring so we don't wind up with even more outside cats than we already have.

Natalie laughs and keeps feeding them.

They know her voice, her step and her car. For that matter, so do I, and for all of us it generally means a kind word, a pat of some sort and food.

Free Kibble for Kitties

I was alerted to a web site called freekibblekat.com by Beloved Girlfriend. You go there, play a simple trivia game and the site donates kibble to needy animal shelters. It's free and you can play once a day, every day. They obviously make a few bucks for themsleves but it's clear that the majority of proceeds goes to the animals, so please stop in when you can.

PS, you can also totally send some kitty vittles with just a click at theanimalrescuesite.com. Just visit the site and press the big purple button. That's all there is to it.